Angelariel777.blogspot.com
4.4.10 - 12:32 AM
In deepest sincere respect to this individual
I first noticed this person back when I was a freshman in college. Back then, I was still friends with Racheal Goodman and her affiliates. He put a smile on everyone's face, lifting the mood of all that surrounded him.
One time, I was walking to the lounge of the cafeteria building, and this person offered to pay for my lunch, but I declined. Truthfully, back then, I had not developed the ability to hide my fear of strangers, or even how to handle them properly.(another entry for another time). I was alittle intimidated by this individual, but nevertheless I was touched that someone even noticed what was going on with me even if it was to such a minor extent.
Last year on my father's birthday, my pet bird of 11 years (a lot happened in those 11 years, another story for another time), Gambit Emmanuel Morgan (female) was found lying at the bottom of her cage lifeless. I was in tears for such a long time...I could only remember the few days prior when she was energetic and playful. I was haunted by her song and memories, holding on to my memories of her for dear life, in hope that her existance will still remain with me (crap i'm crying....); that somehow I could make her here with me again. I went to portfolio development, and this same individual came up to me at the end of class and gave me a random hug. "You looked like you needed a hug", he said. "I really did, thank you" I replied in suppressed amazement, and then left just a more at peace.
This year, 2010, I disassociated from an old friend. I began hanging out with a REAL older sister, she forced me to take better care of myself. She supports me even when I put myself down endlessly; and honestly, she is the biggest reason for my becoming a person more social and enteractive. I envy her for her organization, her academic standing, and I look up to her in general for moral support and guidance.
She forced me to eat instead of starving myself, and payed my way into lunch (which no matter what I do, she insists on doing relentlessly no matter my plea nor my rationale for waiting until I got home). From behind me I heard "Put your money away," it was the same guy who offered to pay for lunch last time, as well as comforted me when my pet passed away. I invited him to eat lunch with the two of us, and instantly had the grand idea of inviting him to my birthday party (but couldnt because of ill planning and misdistribution of funds just seconds before).
The Friday before my birthday on 2010, he sang a song dedicated to me in front of all (all that participated anyway) that was in the art department, music department, the dean of arts and sciences, art department professors, english department professors, and music department professors. I sat embarassed, and trying to hide my feelings, fear, and nervousness in a drawing with baby's breath in it. And I failed miserably.
Eventually, I started developing feelings for this person, but tried my very best to keep it hidden: I was still in a relationship. I looked to my older sister for advice, and she told me to tell my boyfriend about how I was feeling, certain that he would not become angry. The day of, the Day after, and the day before my birthday, I was unable to get in contact with my boyfriend; and when I was able to in the morning, he pretty much slept through my explaination of the events that happened on my birthday. Prior, he had ceased speaking to me via telephone (this was a long distance relationship) often, and as a consequence, I began feeling distant from him.
Four days after my birthday, he called me right after I argued with my father, and was trying to do my homework. He noticed the distance in my voice, and I finally used this opportunity to tell him what happened. He at first feigned and try to take the issue as an adult and hung up. Later he called back and broke up with me after trying to make me choose between he and the other.
In general there was a lot that he had done that made me frustrated, sad, and angry; thus there was very little anger or sadness present. Especially since he stopped talking to me as he used to. Thus, I saw this as a liberating break up.
Later on that week I found myself socializing with this person more, and my hidden infatuation further developed. Eventually, he stopped hanging out with my sister and I, and I have (as of late) been anxious, and a little sad that he is no there as he used to be. As I have many others who I was infatuated with, I feared that I may have pushed him away in my attempt to remain respectful towards him.
More recently, he pretended to give a speach on identity, something that I had been struggling with for the past few days, particularly worst the day prior. The lighting and mood in that room further drilled his words into my heart, and after I gave him a symbol of health (a paper crane), I left feeling a little more sure of myself.
There is much more to my story with this person. It has crept and developed as spring life gently pushed forth into foliage, and I cherish my experiences with him. I hope in the future, I will have the opportunity to share more with him (minus the death part...that was just flat out depressing T_T). For the past few days, I have been making my own personal creations to show my apppreciation for all that he has done, but I still wish to do more. I like this individual so very much, and I pray to god that these feelings will not follow the same trend as they had in the past (unrequited).
I hope that curiousity will lead you here. I want to say thank you 1,000,000 times over for all that you have done for me, and
for being who you are!
I want to always be there for you, whether blantantly, or implicitly as you have for me.
Posted by Brianka
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