Angelariel777.blogspot.com
19.2.09 - 10:39 AM
Shedding my Skin
It has been forever since I have been on Blogger. How long? Well, America has finally elected its first African American president.
So much has happened.....
I was reading a lot of my entries. Wow, I actually made sense. I wonder if I will be able to tell the difference in my thinking capacity in a few months when i decide to read this entry.
Anyway, like I said, a lot has happened. I tried so much that I thought I would never try out of instilled fear. I learned a lot from things that I actually thought I would hate. I learned how hard it is to keep a stable relationship with someone when I am in the predicament that I am in now. There is just a lot that I learned.
I finally got my first cellphone this past 2008 christmas. I kind of started something with this guy in conneticut that I met on Livejournal. When I say something, I really do mean something. A lot of things were said just within the past month or so. I said "I love you", as he did. And eventually, he said "Can we be just friends?". Other things were said as well.
Yesterday, I asked my mom and dad if I can stay at the college a little longer than usual. I needed to retrieve a book from a friend so that I can start writing my essays for my Psycology like class. They said no. They didn't believe me. I asked mom if I can come with them on the business venture they claimed to be having that day, and she said no. And then asked why I wanted to stay after school so much. I told her to study, read, talk to other people, etc. Even when what I said was 90% true, she accused me of lying. I told her I was not, and she then accused me of seeing someone at the college...which I denied. She kept accusing me of lying, and finally asked for my cellphone.
I knew then that the moment she started to read its contents, no matter what the whole truth is, she would jump to conclusions and think that I was actually seeing someone at the college. There was some...how can I put it...intimate stuff in there. She flipped.
I just sat there drinking my earl grey tea. I knew what was coming when I came home after school.
I put my stuff in my room and was summoned to the kitchen for my judgement. Basically, they said I am self destructive, naive, and immature. Once again, I just bit my tounge and let them bury themselves in their archaic beliefs. I understand their concern, but heavens! They truly believe that every single person in the world (somehow 90%=100% to them) is a child molester, thief, or just shady in some way. Therefore, for the said of the criminals, they treat EVERYONE as an enemy. On the flip side, I believe the exact opposite. I don't mind being killed for being kind. I'd rather die acting as I believe- in universal kindness, or at least a similar universal kindness that our god and his son gave to the world- than to live in anger towards society. I don't have anger for any of them, just sadness and pity.
Basically, they say that my beliefs are overridden by theirs. I don't have beliefs. I don't have room for expression. I don't have room to experiment. They say all of this on the premise that I'm still a child: not ready for the world. My arguement: I will never be ready in their eyes to venture out into the world, nor could i venture out into the world prepared at their believed appointed time. I would not have been able to learn about applied team work, becuase they didn't want me to to get a job. I will not be able to understand other's faces of lies and truths, because I have absolutely no reason to look for it. They cling so tightly in trying to protect me, but they are doing more damage to me than they think. They want me to be a child forever. I can't. I have to grow up to protect the next generation's children's future.
So after the forced their authority on me, cutting me off everytime I want to speak...every time I actually have reason in my speach, I decided to take this opportunity to take the guy's advice about how to deal with them. It didn't work. The conversation drifted to bible stuff....and how it is perfect and written by god. It was during this coversation that I understood EXACTLY what my New Testament professor said about losing debates. He talked about a guy who truly believed that the world was only 6000 years old, and one of his students tried to debate with scientific evidence, carbon dating, etc. The man replied that maybe god just made old rocks.....
I told them that the books were not written by god, but rather by man. Man is flawed. Man technically MADE the bible. There were leaders who chose which books made it into the bible and which were kept out....there were even those that ADDED verses to the BOOKS! And they actually believe that all of this crap was put in there for the intellectual BENEFIT of mankind...It was all in gods plan for man to skrew up everything because it needed to be ther because it was fact.
After I heard their arguement, I wish I hadn't been born...again. I wanted to play guitar hero and ignore their crap.
But instead, I cried. Yeah, I was pissed.
So that is how things are now. I won't run away though. I really want to, but despite what they think of me, I do have the character and tenacity to battle their retardedness to the ends of the earth. They say they will have the opportunity to correct their "mistakes" with their grandchildren. They will never have that opportunity. I will either not have children, or I will not allow them near them. Period. The skewed perceptions and insanity WILL stop at that generation. One way or another. I probably won't marry, just to ensure that it all stops here.
The only sane one I can talk to is my brother, but at the rate things are going, dad will instill a lot of crap that will give him a skewed perception of women.
As for that guy, even though he probably hates me right now for thrusting him into my family problems, I still love him...even if it was for a cummulative month or less. I care for him, and I'm so damn sorry for giving him another bad memory to refect upon. I promised him that I would be there for as long as he wanted me by his side...now, he probably doesn't want me at all even as a friend anymore. I feel terrible. Is this really what I put all of my friends through just by being around them? It almost seems as though it is just for the better that I leave them to fight mom and dad first and put them in check....that would be the logical and noble thing to do. However, it's pointless. Just as I am steadfast, they are just as much so. Just as I lost and regressed into an old habit of lying again, I will definitely lose the battle against their irrationality. I won't have a place to live anymore. I would need to have transportation and everything first and foremost.
I said this on my live, but only briefly. It makes me utterly sad that I must cause pain to others outside my home becuase of my family. I love you all more than you will ever comprehend. One time, I even started a poen about each and every one of you trying to illustrate my thanks, and gratitude for you.
Labels: You must save yourself through steadfast transformation
Posted by Brianka
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