Angelariel777.blogspot.com
15.5.08 - 8:43 PM
Something Eternal
Today I went to an awards ceremony with dad. I really didn't want to go, but out of respect for the one who nominated me and my parents, I went. Some of my friends were there. Yeah. Just there. Said hi, had empty talk. Nothing special. I got to see their relatives though. That is always a treat.
Anyway, at the beginning a lady was talking about courage. She also talked about, paraphrasing, living my the reason in which you live and help others...so to speak.
I thought about that during the entire ceremony...and while I was heading home.
I live only for the hope that something good will happen or that things will work out in the end. That is all. All of this took me back to when I was watching the Revolutionary Girl Utena (Shoujo kakumei) series whenever utena, after her parents died, layed in the coffin hoping to die early to obtain death, which is eternal. Maybe even more peaceful...Anyway, the prince, Dios, saved her and showed her something eternal, and Utena left the coffin trying to be like him...But that strays from my message
The thing is, I felt that way a while ago. Many questions flooded my heart, making every night full of pain and tears, and sleepless.
What is the point of being here if people will continuously let me down? Why live in the name of love for others just so that they can treat me like I'm nonexistant? Why live to trust when no one around can be trusted? Why suffer when I don't have to? Why live only to die with burdens in my heart? Why love if it only goes unrequited? Why love strongly for weaker love? Why care when no one else does? Why ask for help when people are reluctant to help? More, and more questions like these overwhelmed me every night for 5 nights. I endured unbearable pain from the moment I woke up, to the moment that I went to bed.
On the 5th day had intentions of ending the suffering, or at least replace the pain with something more intense as to not feel it anymore..but not in a positive way.
Well, my plans were thwarted. And that night, I had an epiphany that ended all of the madness. Actually, it was this day that I found proof in the existance of god. Too many occurances occured too simutaneously and in correspondence with each other, and so I came to the conclusion that nothing is coincidental.
I was confronted with that same eternal thing that Utena initially chose. I didn't really have a "prince" that saved me. I wasn't really presented with an alternative eternal. But I live for hope. I stay here in hopes of other people enjoying my company. I love strongly hoping that another will love me just as strongly. I live hoping that happy things will lift my spirits. I hope that I will find my prince who will show me something different, that other sweet eternal something, that I am arbitrarily hoping for.
Labels: Let go of me, take my revolution.
Posted by Brianka
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