Angelariel777.blogspot.com
9.5.08 - 3:56 PM
Courage
Tish official, this week has been a good one.
I don't really care to go over what happened in school today, it was pretty normal. I did get into a discussion with some people on why girls seem to be so obsessed with their appearance and why we think lowly of ourselves. I kinda want to cover that because it has been on my mind for a while anyway.
Where do I begin?
I'll start from what I am comfortable on talking about, then work it into some
comprehensible sense.
You see, everyone is critical of themselves because we see our own individual flaws. Specifically, we see our major flaws, and we try to hide them with a fake persona or a certain style of dress, or some other mask. There are times whenever we think that our mask is not working right, something is showing that we don't want others to see. Because of this, we also become insecure. We think that our flaw reflects in our appearance somehow and so we overcompensate with unneeded shame. We look at others, some who we care about, some who we envy, and we feel as though we have come short of other's expectations of us. We feel inadequate, I personally feel like this often.
I have many periods of solitude during the day. Even though there are 5-15 people around me, I escape within myself and surround myself with only me, and sometimes music. During these times, I try to understand myself better. This is why I use this blog space and
gaia journals to write what troubles or plagues me. I want to know myself better. I want other people to know what I don't seem to have the courage to say. I want to have a reason to love myself...
Anyway, whenever I reflect I try so hard to understand my flaws. I ask myself 100,000 questions hoping to
elicit a
revelating response from myself. I expose myself to 1,000,000 different scenarios, hoping to correct myself before I make the mistake. From all of this I learned that it is extremely difficult to be honest with yourself. I lie to myself in order to avoid a certain truth.
Imagine having a fresh cut on your hand. You try to avoid touching it to keep from irritating it. Eventually, as the day progresses you forget that it is even there, but you still act in a way to keep from irritating it. It becomes natural. Then then you are reminded that is there again whenever you wash your hands, or even look at it. The pain is discomforting, so you immediately continue your day, trying to forget about it again.
That is how I feel with my internal problems. They are there, and they hurt. However, we live life and with some of its joys and proccupations, and we forget all about them. We are only reminded of them whenever something from our life comes arbitrarily close to the problem, or when it directly affects us. Even with such brief confrontation, we find a way to avoid it, or to cover it up somehow.
That is why, I constantly force myself ask myself questions so that maybe one day, I will be able to confront those problems. It takes courage and patience to make oneself admit the true source of their problems. Covering it up, masking it, avoiding it only makes the problem larger. It makes the problem part of you and your actions.
I guess that is all for now. I'm going to go check out live journal. I hope that I helped someone today by making this entry.....
Anyway, like I said before, I may or may not make another entry for today.
Labels: Save yourself.
Posted by Brianka
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